As i lay here in bed, listening to the sounds of the night I can't help but feel a sense of anger and hurt. The last few years have been incredibly difficult for me, and my family. My anger is not that of a furious man, it's a colder, deeper resentment. I don't resent people, though i may lash out at them from time to time because of it. I resent the position we were put in, having to make the decisions, the really tough decisions, the life altering decisions. Decisions we will struggle with the rest of our lives. I hurt because I know there are no second chances, no matter how much we may wish it differently. I ache to hold my fathers hand one more time, to kiss my nephew on top of his head and throw him in the air to hear him giggle. So many changes all at once and I act like it's all hunky dory, but I'm expected to be happy and adjust my entire life to fit into something that could have, should have been ...under different circumstances, feeling like a sinking ship on ever rougher seas. I walk through this life wearing a mask, trying to hide the hurt and resentment I feel but it's always there simmering under the surface, eating away at the joy I could be feeling over a new day. Some days it's easier to push away from the surface, others it's all I can do to contain it. I strive to make others happy, hoping in doing so I might one day benefit from their laughter and warm hugs. I can see that I'm not the only one dealing with these struggles and my empathy for their plight pushes me down that much farther. I long for the warm days of a loving touch, a genuine smile, free from the weight of terrible decisions and heart ache.